This short story is a piece of fiction and is inspired by true events. It is not intended to be a factual account of anything that has actually happened. 

My mind is racing and I am not able to sleep at all. I see that everywhere it is dark and silence was deafening. Should I live to wake up the next day or find the knife that was somewhere in the drawer and cut my wrist. I am not able to think how happy I was today morning and was feeling very positive about the world. And when I saw a notice on the board that someone needed B positive blood group, I was glad that today I can help the needy . Maybe my friends would commend my helping attitude.

I went in the Auto-Rickshaw with the patient’s caretaker to the hospital. Notices asking for blood donations were common in our hostel. The medical college was not very far and our college folks were okay to donate blood. And this was my chance to shine.

It was a normal thing to check for HIV antibodies to help to diagnose HIV/AIDS by doing the ELISA test. This was normal process before the blood was provided to the blood bank. I went in and gave the test and was waiting for the result. The nurse came back and asked me to follow her. She explains to me that I can’t give the blood now. She tells me ” we need to run a second test to confirm your ELISA result, which has shown a possible HIV positive”

HIV positive!! I can’t believe that such a nice day and gesture can lead to this. Nurse tells me that there has been few cases of false positives. “Please don’t worry and come back tomorrow morning”, she quickly retorts. It was already getting dark and I started walking towards the exit where generally auto-rickshaws wait for passengers. I got in the front seat with the driver. He was smelling of beedi and was chewing a pan with 120 and betel nuts. My head was already spinning and the 12o Zarda smell just made it more. There were other passengers from my college and I was trying to act normal so that nobody is alarmed.

I get down from the auto, started walking briskly toward my room. People were going for the dinner and I just wanted to reach my room. As soon as I reached got into my bed and started to think what has just happened. How I am going to face the world. My story has come to an end. How can I live with HIV/AIDS. Should I tell my mother what has happened? She will probably die of shock before I explain to her. Should I tell to at least one of my friend? I think easiest would be just gather some courage and end my life. Nobody will know and none of the college agency would have enough time and patience to find the real cause and that way it will all be set.

Maybe easier would be to go to the cafe opposite to the police station. Take few knives and charge at the cash counter and when the police is in, instigate them shoot at me. Maybe that seems a better way  that take ones own life.

Thinking about all this it was already late in night and somehow in that state of trance I collapsed into the bed and slept off. Now when gods don’t want you to go they do these kind of things. When I woke up it was already 9 ‘o Clock in the morning. Everyone has already gone to classes. I again thought of doing something but then whatever Nurse said about false positives yesterday, it came to my mind.

I calmed myself and started to think of one last chance. If the second test also comes positive I will find something on my way back, there is a railway track nearby. Maybe go there. I went to the hospital avoiding any eye contact, looking for the nurse. There was lot of hustle-bustle in the ward of the hospital. Finally I saw the nurse and went running towards her. She took a minute to recognize me and was startled when she saw me running towards her. She did recognize me eventually and asked to me to wait , she needed to go back and check for the report. She did not realize that she could see me today because I slept off otherwise she would have never known about me. Maybe she did not care even.

She came in after 20 minutes, chatting with another nurse. I was called into another room where these two nurses has to break the result to me. They started off, listen young man. generally this doesn’t happen. We don’t get false positive but it your case looks like it has been a false positive!!!

I didn’t wait to collect the report and ran out of the hospital. Those nurses did not realize how close I was to that edge. I thanked god that for putting me to sleep. I went back to the hostel and finally had the courage to tell all that had happened to me from yesterday. All of them were laughing like crazy but they did not realize how close I was to my end.

How a noble cause pushed to me to the edge and I bounced back.

“Jako rakhe saiyan maar sake na koi” which literally translates into “the one save by God cannot be killed by anyone” is really true for me